AIRPORT (1970) **1/2 License to taxi? Is that a real qualification? Also, Dean Martin said that Burt Lancaster has a penguin butt. It's not great art but, for all its willfully modern trappings, it's good old-fashioned entertainment. You can't, pardon the pun, keep a monstrosity like this in the air for 137 minutes without doing something right. Much of the credit has to go to the Arthur Hailey plot, he entertained us and somehow made his absurd characters reek of hyper-realism. I mean, it's nuts if you think about it-a plane with a mad bomber on board can't land because another plane is stuck in the snow on the runway, the bomb blows up knocking out the stewardess that the pilot knocked up, meanwhile below the airport manager's marriage with the pilot's sister is breaking up and he's starting a new romance with his personal assistant, all of whom are trying to catch stowaway Helen Hayes (who received an Oscar, definitely not the first one for being cute, but one of the elder actresses to receive the honour for that reason, incidentally there were something like 10 Oscar nominations in all). Actually Ms. Hayes is probably the most attractive female in the cast, criminal charges should have been filed for the awful hairdo/dye and makeup job they have poor Jacqueline Bisset running around in, and then to get nearly decapitated by the exploding bathroom door to boot...the things those poor girls have to do to become leading ladies! In a cast of all-stars and near all-stars Maureen Stapleton does the best job, but George Kennedy has the best lines as the genius mechanic Joe Patroni who smokes cigars and kisses airplanes. When is an airplane not an airplane? Well, in the shots of this one flying, for example (no Special Effects nomination).

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