APACHE (1954) *1/2 Very blue-eyed Burt Lancaster in very orange make-up and a black fright wig as the Indian legend Massai-who single-handedly waged what must have been considered a terrorist campaign after the honkeys ran him off his land, tied him up, made fun of him in front of reporters, put him on a train to St. Louis, and worse. Unfortunately all of the other "Indians" are also very obviously white people, none of whom (like their white counterparts without orange make-up or wigs) show any acting talent whatsoever. Even Charles Bronson has a fake Indian wig and the other Indians don't like him, either because he's a collaborator or because he's still billing himself as "Charles Buchinsky." Despite the deplorable acting, and a dialogue filled with deliriously but unintentionally humorous lines ("I am just a woman...made to bear children...and cook...and clean...and sew..." "It's hard being a man of peace. It would be very pleasant to kill...") the silly film damn near works in spite of itself. Lancaster runs and rides around killing people and blowing things up until he starts getting it regular off Jean Peters (also in orange day-glo and broom wig), at which point he calms down and starts planting (corn and babies). Jean Peters is no squaw but she somehow, I have no idea how-certainly not good acting or script, somehow she manages to get across a sense of extraordinary allegiance to Burt Lancaster and he's ok when he can just walk around without talking. Basically the "real" story of Massai is so good that it allows light to shine through wherever anyone can shine it. Begs for a remake with, you know, Matthew Broderick and Britney Spears. It only took director Robert Aldrich 8 years to get from here to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Zoom.
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