CAPTAIN RON (1992) *1/2 Martin Short is reasonably convincing as a dweeb Chicago yuppie of dull but uncertain stripe, Kurt Russell is ridiculous and unconvincing as a tanned long-haired eye-patch neo-pirate. Might have been a better movie the other way around, I mean, not if Short was the pirate, but. Anyway it's partly about getting the uptight to relax, but my experience was more that it made the relaxed (me) irritable. I've been to the Caribbean, I've lived in the Caribbean, I've cruised through the Caribbean and I've never seen anyone as spiritually and aesthetically decrepit as any of these people! And I hung out with Marines. So, realistically/unrealistically, whatever, who cares what happens to any of 'em? And yet stupid things keep on happening, and engenders these faces, shots that would be secondary on outtakes from the most embarrassing dog show in all of Lichtenstein. The boat's nice, the graffiti is a cool moment, but stuck in the midst of a cinematic embodiment of low-stakes Monopoly.
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