FINAL VOYAGE (1999) * It took maybe ten minutes for me to turn and ask my wife, "They're doing some of this on purpose, right? I mean they have to be." It was so awful, and made so little sense; parachutists jumping from helicopters hovering above the water and then being shown falling through clouds, people involved in fights suddenly sustaining entirely unexplained wounds...someone can write a 50 million word term paper on everything that's wrong with it. "No," she said, "it's just terrible editing. Whoever edited this should never, ever get another job, anywhere, doing anything." And I think that's right, I don't think any of it was intentional, just...you know negligent to the point of malfeasant or something. It's certainly an embarrassment to world class terrorists: they don't do anything right, they let people talk shit and to each other, they let people walk right up to them... Admittedly when you choose to watch a film starring Dylan Walsh and Erika Eleniak you don't have a right to demand much more than this, but I had to assume that if it was going to be anything near this level Ice-T would get off making fun of it. But he doesn't, and he's terrible, too. They could have played his music, but they have him attacking people to the musical accompaniment of poorly played stringed instruments. The worst part is that it really does demand a remake. The lines are all so stupid that it would lend itself brilliantly to a Police Academy type treatment-way better than any scripts they've worked off to date, just with slightly less terrible actors and with at least the sense that what they're doing isn't good but could be a little funny. Then the parachutists could even fall through the stratosphere after jumping ten feet down from the helicopter. It's not merely an affront to competent terrorist, it shows contempt for humankind. I support everyone's right to make a dumb movie, and really like some of them, but this is...in that limited sense...a fine opportunity, terribly squandered.
back to Brilliant Observations on 2525 Films page, or Index
go back home, or send me email
Reviews won't do it any more! I need sustained brilliance! I want to buy your exciting new terrorist novel!
I've already read both of your novels. Thank you, they're amazing. Now I want to check out your weekly blog on everything