LIGHTNING: BOLTS OF DESTRUCTION (2003) **1/2 Now that was a movie! Was that a movie ? Every mediocre critics' dream-everything about it is awful, terrible, absolutely nothing works. There is not a single actor in it....it's not just that they are not convincing in their roles, it's that they couldn't possibly ever be convincing in any role. These are not people you want in the same city if you're trying to enjoy beer. The plot is so dull and stupid as to defy description, and the dialogue achieves a level of inanity that...you wouldn't encourage a 7 year old who writes this kind of schlock. If anyone is conducting a scientific experiment you already know that it's going to blow up. To top it off, the disreputable director presides over it all with the passion and grit of a Hallmark card. It's so bad that it took me nearly halfway through to realize how well positioned it was for a very major second half: if they could just throw Godzilla into this, or a coven of vampires....if the polarity of the new ice age could some dethaw Sabretooth Tigers and Wooly Mammoths that had remained in cryogenic equilibrium for thousands of years....and then they would run amok consuming all of these contemptible characters.... Those hopes were never fulfilled (I did have some hope when they put the Air Force in the air), but the film didn't get any better, either. If you enjoy horrid, horrible films....and you can make it through the first half...I can only promise that it never gets good. How can anyone make this stuff up (like this)? How could anyone agree to fund it, to be in it...to watch it!? Are the people who watch it and think it's good (assuming they exist) really more contemptible than those who watch in heroic hysterics at the expense of the gene pool that kind of spawned them? luv it for whut it is. Someone's bound to say it's the worst film ever made-and I won't argue with them-but I had way too good a time to be that harsh. If they would have informed me in time, and let me work with them, we really coulda had something.
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