TICKER (2001) ** I understand that Steven Seagal throws his martial arts kicks so slowly that anyone injured by them is certifiably sedentary, that this plot couldn't get a decent grade in remedial screenplay class, that none of the actors are doing a very good job, and that there are, in reality, no redeeming qualities. Still, there's something perversely entertaining about a film in which something blows up every three minutes. And Dennis Hopper's wild-eyed Irish brogue is very funny, and he knows it. Also, philosophy students can't help formative adrenalin rushes as Seagal offers up atonal single line residuals of disassociated aphorisms of Kazantzakis and Dostoevsky, calculated for the consumption of truckers. It's no more art than a round of Monopoly, but if you like things that go bang! unencumbered by a bunch of political mumbo-jumbo you ain't gonna get much better marching orders than this. Be aware, though, that despite the proliferation of outstanding Irish pubs in San Francisco, or perhaps because of them, the IRA never really ran around blowing up things in that fair city. It has always been, however, serious fundraising/sympathizer turf. Ice-T is semi-typecast as a terrorist leader and never, NEVER, miss Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown playin', either in this film or anywhere else.
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