HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE (2001) ** Also known as the "Sorceror's Stone" in the U.S., where philosopher's are deemed unworthy of the sort of interest it takes to plunk down ten bucks for a ticket. If the title and hype didn't do it, the film offers little else to legitimize such profligate expenditure. The acting is uniformly bland, only Zoe Wanamaker and Alan Rickman show even the slightest spark, only Emma Watson is awful enough to be irritating or funny. Much has been made of how nearly the script followed the book, but my children (who unlike myself were interested enough to read it, though I did have a good time waiting in line to buy a sequel at midnight-I enjoy the phenomenon and think that J.K. Rowling is very cool) assure me that even this minor virtue is illusory, a media fabrication. They entirely missed what's become my favourite bit, through hearsay, the Hogwarts song that at one point goes "Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggie Wartie, Hogwarts." Quiddich looks like some fun, the wall paintings at Hogwarts are groovin' and the chess scene is good...but when's the last time anyone plopped down a couple hundred million for a chess epic? The special effects are of a strictly lesser magnitude (but without the charm) than those that led gangs of howling pre-pubescent boys to gleefully cry out "Fake!" at The Golden Voyage of Sinbad more than two decades earlier. Chris Columbus is out of his league, and it should surprise no one that he hopefully suggested that he'd be happy to spend the next ten years of his life making sequels. Who's going to give him the reins of anything after this? On the other hand, if this is the pinnacle of film, it may do just as much as the book in encouraging kids to read again...