BENEATH LOCH NESS (2002) * I don't mind theories about Nessie that aren't scientific, if there is something out there it's likely to be an exception to a rule. I don't mind stupid plots much, and I'm often forgiving of bad acting, particularly if it's as bad as this. This film, however, is nearly criminally awful. The monster's ok and I didn't go in looking for much of a plot. The characters are all grumpy, chiding each other in the incessant rounds of repartee that one might expect from a midnight branch of Constipated Anonymous (but not for long). In a veritable sea, um loch, of putrid performances Lysette Anthony does manage to hold herself beyond the rest. Yes, she's even worse. She probably has more talent than the others-in the extremely liberal use of the term necessary to form a sentence-but it's as if Victoria Beckham had turned her talents to acting (now there's a thought). She rolls her eyes, and crinkles her nose, postures and profiles, pouts her horse face, nods her dilapidated head…she all but shouts "Look at me! Look at me!" in every scene, and no one with a brain in their head would have wanted to in the first place. Is she more hideous than the monster? Well, if I could give you a definitive answer to that, you'd have nothing worthwhile to consider while watching the film.
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