CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: THE DISCOVERY (1992) ** One of the most bizarre casts in the history of Hollywood isn't entirely wasted, but John Glen sure didn't get out what he should have out of these people. Tom Selleck is hopelessly miscast as a Spanish king, but if the contracts are signed and you're stuck with him, why not ham it up? It's not like historical accuracy was a big goal anyway, they were working off of a Mario Puzo. I don't know if Puzo wanted to go this fast, either. It takes about five minutes for Georges Corraface (Columbus) to get in a bunch of fights, buy a map, get it ripped off, get cheated in a confusing bit about Portugal, rush to Spain where he makes some kind of impression on Rachel Ward, get in a bunch more fights, and impregnate Catherine Zeta-Jones. Besides the pace (it takes them about twenty minutes to cross the Atlantic, most of which time is spent complaining about how long it's taking), Corraface is much of the problem. He never shows the slightest glimpse of anything resembling authentic heroism, in fact he rarely shows the face of anything besides a young actor astonished as his good fortune to be cast as the lead. And that, my friends, is a face that smiles entirely too much, considering the alleged action going on around him. In fact, he and Zeta (whose acting consists almost entirely of gazing at some point off camera, in wonderment) could easily pass for a slightly aging version of that glossy and glorious high school couple who have everything, and are about to be very rudely jumped by the real world. Marlon Brando is more convincing as the Spanish Inquisition priest, in fact his unamused combination of arrogance, boredom, confirmed self-righteousness, and lack of vision are a blueprint for the impersonation of most wielders of misplaced authority. He doesn't know what's going on and he doesn't care, except to make sure that no one else does either. So Puzo gets some intrigue in there, as it surely must have been, but placing it in the hands of Benecio Del Toro may not have been the right move. Benecio is confident that what he's supposed to be playing is a wiseguy on a funny-looking boat, and he upstages everything around him, from plot to props. Parts of it are entertaining, parts of it are funny, parts are good, Puzo puts forth the proposition that converting the Indians towards Inquisition Christianity was worse than stealing their gold, and it has the look of a good film. I'm sure that there are worse films that made for better stills, but not often, and that it makes for good stills may not be the most important recommendation for a motion picture. Glen blew an opportunity. He should have had Corraface play it camp, Zeta play it either gypsy/dramatic or dingy (she does both well), Selleck act entirely bored with the court and all of the trappings of monarchy (maybe even make his initial appearance with a can of beer), and Benecio even more like he did. Brando, ah you can't do much with Brando. He does that, or not.
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